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|Wednesday, December 1st, 2004|
|A Special Birthday
Well in four and a half hours it will be a year since I went into labor. In less than 24 hours it will be my sons first birthday. For me it is a night to think about how thankful I am and remember the events of last year. Having my baby was the most special day of my life. There have been about 300 sleep deprived nights since then. Some frustration, some worry, some tears. But so much love. He is my reason to live. He is a big boy now, but for a long time i'm sure he will stay my little peanut. So tonight I will lay in bed, remember, and thank God for my little man. And tomorrow I will wake up and for the first time get to say "happy birthday!" to my love. I didn't know if I would be a good mother, but I think I am. Actually, I know I am. There may have been times where there was no more money left, and no more patience. Times when I ran out of tears, and ran out of energy. But we're doin alright. He will always have me to lean on, and i'm sure he will make me happy every day I have left on this earth.
So at 1:15pm tomorrow, December 2nd.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHAN MICHAEL!!!
Thank you for completing me. Current Mood: thankful
|Saturday, November 20th, 2004|
Here was my horoscope this morning:
Your own hesitance may impact the outcome of your work. Even if you are able to ride a tsunami of emotions now, you might choose to turn the volume down on reality so that you can better manage your life. Don't let your fear of the unknown turn into denial. It's better to face your demons straight on.
It's just so.. True. I am just kind of living all calm like. Like the world that I have known for the past few years isn't falling down around me. I don't want to come back into reality and actually have to figure out what I need to do.
So last night. Finally a night ALL alone. No kids, no husband. Just me. I waited a long time for that night. To be "free" for a night. And you know what I realized? I need my family. I need my son. I am just plain not happy without my son. It wouldn't have been so bad if I went into it knowing it was just a night out. But no. It was a test. A test of how I could handle it if I had to spend a week out of the month without my son. It confirmed that he is my breath. He is my smile.
So that's where I sit today. Looking at my baby with a whole new appreciation. The rest will fall into place in time. Atleast I now remember what's really important. Current Mood: hopeful
|Friday, November 19th, 2004|
Well after thinking that I want to work things out with my husband I change my mind and decide to leave.
About 10 minutes later I get a phone call.
My sisters husband is going to die. He is not even 40 years old. They are in love. They have 3 kids. They spent the last year or so having hard times in their relationship.
But I bet those hard times don't matter now. I bet they are going to cherish every moment they have left as a family.
I wish I could do the same with mine.
I wish I could call my sister and tell her something that will make it okay. Her husband is a great man. And if its true that soon he will be gone I will really miss him.
If anyone should read this please say a prayer for Donald Becker.
On a selfish note, it makes me think I should be appreciating all I have. But somehow, I dont feel any less sad or any more reassured about what's going on in my own life. I feel like I am going to take the supposed 'little things' and let them drive me away.
Too bad to me they're not little.
I wonder if somehow this sad news about my brother-in-law is a sign for me to seize the day.
Betcha I won't though.... Current Mood: sad
|Saturday, November 13th, 2004|
I don't know what's real anymore.
I don't know who loves me. I don't know who I am. Who I love.
I don't know if I made a big mistake by choosing to be where I am today.
I don't know if leaving would be an even bigger one.
I've always known how he was. But I told myself it would get better. And in some ways it did. But it still hurts a lot of the time. I tell myself that no one else would be any different. Or that it's me that brings it on. Deep in my heart I don't really feel that way though.
I feel that there is a place somewhere in this big ol' world where I would be happy every day. He's just not the same person. I suppose I'm not either. I guess I'm just sad. Not all the time, but usually. When I really think about it. When I stop the day to day routine to really feel. When I let down the guard and let his words get to me. There's always an 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' around the corner. I guess maybe it's just not enough anymore.
Chances are I'll just suck it up and dream every so often about a different life.
Funny how he used to love me so much and I didn't care. Now I love him that much and he doesn't care.
I'm the one who believes in karma.
Guess I'm gettin what I deserve. Current Mood: sick
|Wednesday, August 4th, 2004|
Well, today was one of the best days of my life. Funny, cuz it was pretty much like any other day. But today gave me hope. I took my 8 month old son to the zoo. He laughed, I laughed. We shared ice cream, played in the grass, rode the carousal. It just fit. It was the right thing to do on the right day.. Which is a whole lot of right compared to all the wrong around here lately. Then my friend called. A friend that is having a baby in 10 weeks. A friend I haven't been close to for awhile. We talked for two hours about babies and boyfriends and friendships and life. It was right. I needed that conversation. I needed to talk to someone who is about to be in the same situation I am. Having a baby. Being home alone during the day. Being lonely and depressed even though we both have people that "love" us. I am so thankful that I have my son. Devil that he is, he is my breath. He is everything right in the world. And even when i'm down to my last dollar and my last spurt of energy, I can look at him and know that all that doesn't mean a damn thing as long as he's with me.
I used to feel that way about my husband too. Before we got married I was so worried that my wedding day wouldn't be emotional for me. I was so worried that maybe he would never compare to the man before him and I would stand at that altar wishing it were someone else. Then our wedding day came and I stood at the altar crying because I was so in love. And knowing that there was no one else in the world I wanted to be standing across from. But I don't know. I just want to be appreciated. I want to do things right. I want a shoulder to cry on. And all of a sudden I don't have any of those things any more. It's like the harder things get the more we pull away instead of pulling together. And I am now at the point where I just can't feel at all. We moved last week, and I worked my butt off. At the end of a draining week I was told I could have done more. Really? Well what about what I did do? What about the fact that I raise a little boy? Not enough? Well then fuck you. So now its all cherries and ice cream again like it's all okay.. "You belong here" he tells me. "I love you". You do? Well even if he does it might be too late. He calls me today and tells me to turn on the radio. A song is on that reminds him of me. "I can't help falling in love with you." Well that sucks. Cuz I just might not love him anymore. And that hurts. I want it to be how it was. But I know it never will be. And 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' are just words now. Just words.... Because I don't feel it.. I want someone who thinks i'm beautiful. And smart. And thinks I do more than my share. Someone who will bring me a flower every now and then. And rub my feet. Dumb huh? That I need a flower? But I guess I do. I guess at this point in time I need a flower. And of course it's not about the fucking flower. It's about what the flower stand for. Hope. I need hope.
Shower me with flowers. Current Mood: confused
|Friday, June 4th, 2004|
I've been having a bit of a pity party lately. I've been looking at old pictures of myself from about two years ago.. I felt beautiful then. That was probably the most beautiful I had ever felt.. I'm jealous of that person. Her beauty, her confidence, her freedom.. It's funny because I have so much now. I'm married, I have the most amazing little boy.. But I feel ugly. And rejected. And jealous of people who do whatever they want because I have never been one of those people. I've always been scared of what other people think.. I always make my choices so that the least amount of people will disapprove. I don't really know my life any other way. I dream about moving away and having another baby even though neither of those things are reasonable.. So I remind myself how we cant afford the baby we have, let alone another one, and how I know I could probably never move away from my family.. I feel lonely enough as it is. But what if that was the key. Just this brand new life that didn't depend on making sure my dad was happy or pleasing my mother. A new life where it's okay to do something for myself and it's okay if no one appreciates how hard I work to make sure my son is happy. A life where I can be beautiful again. A life where my husband can't keep his hands off of me because he thinks i'm so amazing. It's funny, because I love being married. And I was made to be a mother.. It's just all a little off. There's just a little something missing. Maybe it's within me. I hate being afraid. Of everything. Of everyone. I want to fly. I want to be the girl I look at in those pictures. Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, March 17th, 2004|
When it rains, it pours.
I feel like a faliure right now.
I try so hard to love my fiance.
And to make a life for who I swear is the worlds most beautiful little boy.
And somehow it's just never okay.
There's just never enough money.
I'm sick of asking other people for help.
I'm sick of being needy.
I want us to stand on our own two feet and do something right for a change.
That little boy deserves so much.
More than I will probably ever be able to give him.
But I would die trying to make him happy....
One thing is for sure.
No matter how much rain decides to fall down on me.
No one will ever be able to say I don't love my son and my family with all my being...
That is the one thing I will ALWAYS do right. Current Mood: distressed
|Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003|
In a few weeks my life will change.
I can't wait and I can wait forever all at the same time.
I want to meet my baby, and I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again.
But at the same time, this is so precious. Feeling him inside me moving around all cozy. A bond with him that no one else ever gets to share. It's amazing.
Plus, I'm just plain scared of the labor.
So he'll come when he's ready and I'll just try to enjoy the time I have left being pregnant.
And as much as it SUCKS sometimes, I would already do it all over again, just to feel the kicking. The bonding. It's that good.... Current Mood: anxious
|Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003|
I can't believe how much I cry now. I know a lot of it is the hormones. I know i'm also just really unhappy. In about three months I am going to have a baby. I have three months to figure my life out. To make a life for him. I realize now that I did this for all the wrong reasons. I also realize how NOT a game it's all become. Sometimes we see our future, and knowing that we probably can't handle what's ahead of us we go forward anyway.
That's what I did.
But nothing gets to be hasty now. I have someone else's happiness to put before my own.
God, I'm just so sick of being miserable.
Because that's the conclusion i've come to. I'm miserable.
And it's not one of the kinds where you can just make that change and it's over. There's a life at stake now. One wayyy more important than mine.
I miss being in love.
Having someone take care of me without so many strings attatched. I know he loves me, but his price is too high. The solitude of it. The hurt. The non-understanding.
I promised myself I would never again be made to feel like i'm not good enough.
And now that's exactly how I feel.
It hurts so much I truly almost can't bear it anymore.
But I walk away and I may very well be telling my child-to-be right then and there that his quality of life just dropped about 30%.
Even my mother, Ms. "Save the Relationship!", is realizing maybe this one just can't be saved.
I'm sick of going home to nothing. No feeling. Just a whole bunch of hurt and fear swirling around.
Then I go spend time with my family and it's like i've gotten my life back. I think that's where I need to be. With my family.
Too bad he was supposed to be my family...
He sees how happy I am with them. And how not happy I am with him. He ignores it a lot better than I do.
I realize I hurt him, but I will not live a life of hurt to make up for it.
He told me he couldn't get over it and I begged him to stay, realizing how much I loved him. Nothing changed.
The truth is so hard to stare at. I would give so much to find a way to have a family.
But at any price? I just can't.
He thinks my past is what makes us not work. But that past has been gone for about 3 weeks now and things have only gotten worse between us. Plus now that "past" feels like he's a million miles away. And I need him.
I need something.
Something not much short of what to me would seem a miracle.
I have faith in God and what he wants for me, but I also believe I have to choose.
How do you choose between your childs life and your own? Current Mood: drained
|Saturday, June 21st, 2003|
I'm losing my best friend and it hurts.
Why is it so fucking impossible to have it all?
My old life and my new one.
The family, the baby, AND the friends who drink their life away, like I used to before I got to where I am now.
I miss being the most important person in his life. And I guess it's probably pretty possible I still am. I can't run to him anymore though. For some reason that really hurts. Because I know eventually i'll be replaced. Maybe not as the person that's closest to his heart, but the one that's closest to his LIFE..
It would be a lot easier if I were being "replaced" by a stranger.
But nooooooooooooo. Turns out i'm being replaced by someone I thought was my friend.
I can hate her with no real loss to me.
But for him to betray me. That hurts.
I don't care how selfish i'm being. I DON'T CARE.
I don't care that he hasn't touched her.
I don't care that two fucking years ago I betrayed him.
He either loves me enough to let me have this selfishness or he can just not love me at all.
I've been letting it go for too long.
I'm losing my best friend and it hurts. Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, June 15th, 2003|
|So You're All Hatin Me, Huh??
It won't change until someone holds me and tells me they understand my fear.
One person has told me all they want for me is to be happy.
No, that person wasn't you.
Everyone has a condition. Everyone is focusing on what's in it for them. Wondering why i've changed. Wondering why I won't change again.
I promised myself I would do this with a smile on my face no matter what. No, I didn't quite live up to that.
Even though she does put a smile on my face.
Every. Single. Time.
All I want is to be held. To cry to someone. To have one fucking person tell me it's normal that i'm feeling so fucked up inside.
But ya'll have your pride. That's cool.
Cuz i'm still not scared.
I can admit that i'm feeling so fucked up it's crazy.
And that I hate everyone. And that I don't have a clue why.
What's the solution? I dunno.
Maybe love me, and I just might remember how to love back.... Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, June 11th, 2003|
********** I Have Fucking Awesome Lips********** Current Mood: bitchy
|Monday, June 2nd, 2003|
|As It Changes...
Here I am adjusting to my new life.
Is it great? Sure.
Is it hard? You betcha.
I miss my friends. I really hard core hurts inside miss my friends.
I know that they aren't in the same place as I am. I know that i'm having a hard time being in this place.
I know a lot of things in my head. I also know I feel the same things over and over in a big cycle.
But sometimes it just HURTS so bad.
I don't even miss the drinking, or the sex.
Just their company. The individual way my friends make me feel. I know I sound like I moved to africa. Hardly.
But in a way I am super far away from them. I'm a future wife with a future child. They're still the 20 somethings staying up until 3am partying and doing whatever the hell they want to.
Is that what hurts? That I will never again be able to do whatever I want? Could be.
Is it that my friends haven't embraced me as I am now?
I know they love me. But I also know they realize what I realize. It's all changing. And you can't change change.
On a happier note.
Today was the best day of my 23 years so far.
I got to hear my babies heart beat.
Talk about amazing.
I got to actually hear my baby living.
It's a lively little thing too!!
So hence all that hurts me today, it can't overcome the good.
Because feeling connected to my baby like that was just way too good. Current Mood: optimistic
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
Not too much to say except for the fact that I am so in love with my child to be. I can't believe I ever felt trapped, or disappointed. I still feel nervous and unsure. But those are feelings about me being able to give her the world. I don't know what made this become such a fantastic thing in my life all of a sudden. But I wake and breathe for this baby.
~~~~ Mommy Loves You~~~~~
and you.. the wonderful man who stands by my side.
Am I still afraid of marraige? Ya damn right. But you've given me so much comfort to find in being a family.
I have a family. How fucking lucky am I??? Current Mood: happy
|Friday, May 9th, 2003|
I know I'm crazy sometimes. I know I don't always make rational decisions.
On April 27th I wrote about losing "him". Being sort of "alone". Him being another man "I swore I'd marry".
Well now I am marrying him. HeHe.
Yes, people think it's crazy.
But can I explain how fucking good it feels?
Nothings changed. Just a proposal and a ring.
But somehow that changed everything.
We haven't fought a second since that day.
It's like just the thought of being a family makes it all okay. Or something....
I don't really understand it, or why it's working.
But who am I to disect?
I'm fucking happy. I may be tired, and broke. But I see so much in him. I can cry with him. Be weak with him. He's amazing.
It's all amazing.
I thought I was going to marry him, but at the same time it felt weird. Like a few years ago I would have NEVER imagined myself with someone like him.
I imagined myself with the "other" him.
How weird is that? That your "soul mate" turns into your best friend. That the person you felt was put on this earth for you is going to be watching you marry someone else.
Weird. But somehow really really right.
So I sit in this dream land. Of rushing, failing, and the planning of a family.
I can't wait until that day. The day my daddy walks me down the isle. And I look up to see my beautiful baby and her beautiful father.
I look up to see the rest of my life.
I always though this was so "wrong", I wanted it all a different way.
But nothing feels wrong now. HeHe.
~~~ I wish everyone could feel as lucky and loved as I do right now.~~~ Current Mood: tired
|Sunday, April 27th, 2003|
*So today I decided that I'm done being the victim*
I read my last entry. I can't believe I shared those words with others. The words of weakness. Even though I realize that's not what it's all about now. Weak or strong, I have one focus. To bring a beautiful baby into this world. It has become my reason to live. I dream of the day he/she arrives. And I know that even with all the doubts I place upon myself, that child will become the love of my life. And I can't fucking wait. I still wish it were done differently. The timing is still WAY off. BUT, how blessed am I? Hard times will come plentiful I'm sure. But I'm ready. Ready and waiting to meet what I know will be the love of my life.
The shitty part?
I was going to have a family to go along with it. Still not my dream situation, but a family all the same. Now I am alone. I don't think it's even the fact that my baby won't have a father there every day that hurts so much. It's the fact that he used to love me like no one else on this earth. My mom used to tell me his eyes sparkled when he looked at me. And they did. I used to be amazed. Because he was amazing.
It's like we're not even the same people now. Now he's just another man I SWORE I was going to marry.
And my baby is just another baby on the list. With a woman he SWORE he would have a family with. Once I got pregnant it was never about me. It's like all the love he had for me went to the baby. And I was just the carrier. The 'whore'.
Life is funny though, it really is. Because I never thought of myself as having that great of friends. I mean I love them to death. But they're like me. Selfish. A whole bunch of selfish people that somehow love each other. But the last week, they have all renewed my faith. They have truly come through for me. Listening, understanding. Telling me that they will support me no matter if they agree or not. My mother has been quite different also. She's not an emotional woman by any means. And never sympathetic. And while she's still not those things, I can feel her love lately. And it feels fucking great. So here come the people that have been my friends and backbones for years. And here I am ,remembering why they are those things to me.
So as much as it hurts, losing him. I am not alone.
And though I still may cry myself to sleep at night, I will wake up to a brighter day.
And in all reality, I will never be alone again.
I never thought i'd get to this point. Feeling blessed.
I fucking love it.
As for you, I love you too. Somehow.
Maybe you'll feel blessed again someday also for having loved me. Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, April 18th, 2003|
You Tell Me You Love Me.
Because if you loved me, you would see that I am absolutely miserable.
If you loved me, you would see that it makes me sick to think about how little I feel for you lately.
If you loved me, you'd understand that if it weren't for this baby I wouldn't even want to wake up in the morning.
If you loved me, you would feel my heart break when I think of how the perfection I've always waited for is gone.
If you loved me, you would understand how much I despise myself for feeling the things I do.
If you loved me, you would know that I WANT to be happy as much as you want me to. I just can't be.
If you loved me, you would show it. Not when it's convenient to you, but when I need it. When we need it.
Carry me. I can not do this. I cry myself to sleep every night for the way I feel.
I may deserve Gods wrath if he shall decide someday to decend it on me.
I feel so fucking humbled. Someone who prides themselves on being so strong. And I cry now. All the time I cry.
I am not strong enough.
There, I said it.
I am weakened, and I don't even want to fight. I don't even want to prove how I'm "always okay."
Do you get it? I will do this alone if I have to. I may be weak but I am not afraid.
So you love me?
Make me love again. Current Mood: drained
|Monday, April 7th, 2003|
|When Everything Changes..
Why can't I be afraid? I am. I'm sorry you don't understand that.
I feel blessed that It's you. A wonderful father. A wonderful person.
But then there's me. Always selfish. Always changing. Always afraid.
How do I give all I muster up to someone else? How do I let go of the fear that I will fail? Because I do believe it. I do believe I'll fail.
Maybe because I don't think I'll want it bad enough. Or maybe just because I'll suck.
I feel betrayed. Because I'm giving up everything I wanted. And up until now I was the one that mattered.
So how do I take all that bitterness, all that fear, and turn it into love? Into trust?
I just wish for one more year. One more month. And I tell myself I would actually do what I need to to be okay with this.
But unfortunately I don't even get one more day. One more hour.
What I wouldn't give for the tears. The clapping. The princess dress and the tiara.
But no, not one more hour about me.
I do need my fear though. I need my fear, and my tears, and my emotions.
And I will pray every night for the rest of my life to be good to you.
And from this hour on, to be even better to her.
Ever fear and every tear will go to make her a better person.
Dear Lord On This Day Let Me Sacrifice Myself In A Way I Never Have.
For the love of others. Current Mood: cynical
|Saturday, March 1st, 2003|
**I Miss You**
Today was hard. I couldn't call you four times for no reason. I couldn't just run back to you like I wanted to. I have to be strong this time.
I hope after all is figured out, after we both get better, that we find a love like we had back then. I hope I feel as sure as I did on our best day together.
I've figured out what I have to do. It's not going to be a fucking thing close to easy.
But I hope that the first person I see when I'm finished is you.
And that it's not to late for something even better than what we had before. Current Mood: bored
|Friday, February 28th, 2003|
I am filled with anger. Disappointment. I wanted you to be the one. I wanted you to come through.
You thought I didn't try. You thought I didn't fight.
Well Fuck You.
I did something I hadn't done in three years. I gave myself to you. I let you tear me down. Own me. Control me.
And then tell me that I'm not good enough.
I wanted you to see. To see that I loved you. To see that sometimes I would look at you and not believe it was possible to be as happy as I would be at that moment.
I felt guilty for you every night I left you. I tried to make you feel comfortable. I tried to earn that look that I used to get. That look that made me fall in love with you.
How do you feel so safe when you're with someone, but feel so afraid when you're away from them?
I wanted to go. Our reasons were not the same, but I wanted to go. To start our new life far away. It was a different kind of dream for me, but still my dream. And we were so close. It took me a long time to want it. To want to give everything else up. But I came around. And now, a few short weeks away, I've lost that.
Don't you see? I'm not perfect. But neither were you. You gave me the same kind of hurt I gave you. But unlike me, you never realized it.
Fuck you for ruining our life together. Fuck you for taking away what I wanted. Fuck You for being controlling. Fuck you for being weak.
Fuck you for making me sit here tonight with tears streaming down my face. Missing you. Wanting to be able to run back. Wanting to pretend this all didn't happen and that we're still happy.
But we're not happy. There's not even a "we". Current Mood: disappointed